Creepy Vintage Valentine’s Day Cards – Those were the good old days?

Valentine’s day cards from days gone by…

It seems so easy for older people to reminisce of a simpler time. The good old days before smartphones and facebook, when having dinner meant family time and you had to be excused from the table when you were done. Gentleman would wear their best coat and tie to go through the Mcdonald’s drive-thru (Probably?).  When Sitcom husbands could subtly promise to beat the shit out of their wives if they didn’t straighten up (Pow! Right in the kisser!), and swears were limited to “gosh darnit” and “dag nabbit”. Back when we were a much more wholesome society, wooing women to be our valentine, while eating all of the gluten, red meat, and lard that we wanted.

Of course there was also disease (including but certainly not limited to STDs), rampant racism, sexism, and general intolerance for most people. But out of those simple times of hate, biggotry and sexism, arose some of the craziest Valentine’s day cards I have ever seen. It is a very strong possibility that you or your parents were conceived thanks to these Valentine’s day cards. I could only wish to have that kind of legacy.

Some shining examples…

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “It Strikes me that I love you”

What it should say: “I will murder you, that whore and probably your dog too”

 

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “Why, even the flys – love ME”

What it should say: “Sure, I  may smell but it’s better than being alone, right?”

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “I’m after your scalp, valentine”

What it should say: “I’ll cut off the top of your head for a trophy, just like the native americans used to do!”

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “I aim to please you my valentine!”

What it should say: “You might want to be my valentine, I don’t miss”

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “Aw Gee. There ain’t  no use livin’___without a little lovin’!”

What it should say: “Do you really want to be responsible for the death of me, who is also an adorable puppy?”

*sidenote – I am baffled by them riding away on a bullet

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “You’re sweet enough to eat my valentine”

What it should say: “Come over so I can cook you like my ex that I don’t want to talk about”

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “Be my valentine”

What it should say:… I don’t know, it makes no fucking sense, why would a cop who is also a clown be falling?

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “I’m out hunting for a valentine. Are you game?”

What it should say: “I will find you, Valentine”

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “I’ll never be false to you”

What it should say: “Have some fake teeth, you’ll need them if you backtalk me again”

 

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “It’s no accident, my likin’ you, valentine”

What it should say: “Sure, you ran me over, but that tongue…”

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “I’ll veal so happy if you’ll be my valentine”

What it should say: “Join me in slaughtering and eating this delicious baby cow, for love”

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “Baby I love you, now will you be my valentine?”

What it should say: “I’m out of roofies, this club should do the trick”

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: I can’t even type this

What it should say: Nothing… this shouldn’t be a thing.

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says:…Not touching this one either

What it should say: You know what, I’m gonna add this one to the nope pile too…

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “The point is will you be my valentine or i’ll nail you yet”

What it should say: “You do butt stuff?”

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “Darn it! You gotta be my valentine!”

What it should say: “Here’s an old, worn, patched up sock, that’s how much I value you”

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “Maybe i’m just small fry but im a good egg with a heart of gold”

What it should say: “I’d like to stick to you like these eggs in a non oiled cast iron pan”

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “You apPEAL to me”

What it should say: “I’m going to peel your skin off and admire your insides”

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “A valentine for you. I’m going to see red if I cant ketchup with you and be your valentine”

What it should say: “I want you smashed up and inside of me”

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “I’ll be sunk if you won’t be my valentine”

What it should say: “Gonna shoot myself, choke, and drown (for good measure) if you say no”

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “I yam crazy about you”

What it should say: “You remind me of a lumpy fancy potato, like myself”

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “I’ve broken out in a rash over you, be my valentine” – Gross

What it should say: “These heart shaped lesions on my body may or may not be contagious”

 

What it says: “Must I hammer it in?”

What it should say: “I keep a claw hammer on my person at all times, don’t scream”

 

Ridiculous Vintage Valentine's Cards

What it says: “I ain’t kidding valentine. I’d like to kidnap you!”

What it should say:…This one is perfect…as is.

 

When you think of getting all romantic this valentine’s day, just remember back in the day it was not only appropriate but commercialized to win over your beloved with racism and threats to harm yourselves or them. Isn’t love beautiful?