The Genius that is Mitch Hedberg

The Genius of Mitch Hedberg! 15 of my favorite Mitch Hedberg One-Liners! A brilliant Man, Gone too soon.

Mitch Hedberg Heroine Addict

“I’m a heroine addict, I need to have sex with somen who have saved someone’s life”


Mitch Hedberg Koala infestation

“My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don’t want ’em to, you know, I’m like, Hey, hold on fellas. Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf”


mitch hedberg dreams

“You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later”


Mitch Hedberg Elevators can only become stairs

“An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an escalator temporarily out of order sign, just escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience”


Mitch hedberg whistle

“I can whistle with  my fingers, especially if I have a whistle”


Mitch hedberg carrots got you drunk

“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up”


Mitch hedberg frozen banana

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said No, but I want a regular banana later, so…Yeah”


mitch hedberg shotgun limo

“I called shotgun once, but we ordered a limo so I fucked up”


mitch hedberg slip covers

“I saw a commercial that said, forget everything you know about slip covers! So I did, and it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slip covers, but I didn’t know what the hell they were”


mitch hedberg aids test

“I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say, Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS? No? Cool…Cause you know me”


mitch hedberg alcoholism

“Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only disease you can get yelled at for having… Dammit Otto your an aloholic! Dammit Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn’t sound right”


mitch hedberg picketing

“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it”


mitch hedberg map

“I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down”


mitch hedberg slept

“I haven’t slept for ten days, because…that wold be too long”


mitch hedberg song

“Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a special woman. But this can backfire because maye the song had a deeper meaning to being with, but now it’s been cheapened. We are the world, we are the children. We are the one’s who make a better life, so let’s keep on giving… Remember that song, baby? The night I fucked you in the pet cemetary… That’s our song”


Rest in peace you hilariously brilliant man! The Mitch Hedberg collection is now available on vinyl – get it today!